someone you might have been

You know what is a scary feeling?
Waking up one morning and not knowing what you're living for.
Just not being able to find one reason to make it all worth it.



Feeling helpless is the worst feeling in the world.

keep on when your mind says quit

I was starting this post in a very bad bood. Just, so angry I was literally sick with it.

Being in my family is just, so, I don't know. There's not a word for it. I just get so damn tired of dealing with them, the way I get treated by them, and the shit they throw at me. Daily. I just feeling like no matter what I do, I'm always seen as nothing. I can be stepped on, insulted, disregarded.

There's this quote from a show I love, that talks about family. I usually agree with it and take it to heart.

"...Are you under the impression that families are supposed to make you feel good? Make you an apple pie maybe? They're supposed to make you miserable! That's why they're family."

I've always agreed with it. Not with every family, but. It just fits with my family. The way they work. But to me, there should always be good - that comes with the bad. And equal amount to make it worth it. The utter crap you go though.

And lately, there has been hardly anything to make it worth it. They just make me miserable.

I don't know.
But, these were my thoughts going into this post and I felt so weighed down by it all.

Then, music countinued it's amazing ability to just utterly change moods, and make you feel better.

I still stand by what I said. But, this song came on my shuffle and the right time and made me feel better, and made me get out of my hole and I don't know, realize even if a lot of things in my life aren't working and I feel like crap and I'm so damn lost sometimes- things can get better, and to just keep moving.

"Shine On" by Eric Bibb

Life gives you the runaround you say
You wanna know
How much dues must you pay

Well, you can pay off what you want
When there's a will
There's always a way

Keeping your eyes on
That mountain top
Stepping up time
Don't ever, ever stop

Keep on when your mind says quit
Dream on 'til you find your living it
I'll be right by your side
Yeah baby keep on
Don't stop 'til you win your prize
Lean on all the love that is in my eyes
You're a diamond to me, yes you are
Shine on

I know what you've been through
I see
But it's time to leave it behind and let it be
Yeah

Hard-earned wisdom is something you can't buy
It's the wings of experience
That make you fly

Don't look back
Don't look back
Don't turn around
You're on the right track

Keep on when your mind says quit
Dream on 'til you find your living it
I'll be right by your side
Yeah baby keep on
Don't stop 'til you win your prize
Lean on all the love that is in my eyes
You're a diamond to me, yes you are
Shine on
Shine on
Keep on when your mind says quit
Dream on 'til you find your living it
I'll be right by your side
Yeah baby
Don't stop 'til you win your prize
Lean on all the love that's in my eyes
You're a diamond to me, yes you are
Shine on
Shine on
Baby you got to shine on
That's what you're born to do
Me and you
You got to shine on
Sparkle baby

Baby you got to
Shine on



It really is an amazing song.

:)

Not feeling very independent on this day.

I wish time would slow down.
The future scares me. My future scares me.
I don't like not knowing where my life is going.
I hate worrying and being scared of going forward.
I hate feeling like there's no one to talk to, and that nobody will understand.

Sometimes it's nice to just live one day at a time.
But now is not one of those moments.
I just want to be sure of everything and everyone in my life.
I feel like some things are just slipping away, and I won't be able to get them back.
And it feels like all my fault.

I feel pathetic and helpless
and it sucks.

I've waited here for you, everlong.

Jessicaaaaaaaaa.


Okay, so.
Foo Fighters.
I realized that your friend Andrew did have quite a few of my favorites on that cd, but I do have  a few more that I think you might like as well. (Maybe, better? muwhaha. Ahem.)


There's only nine of them that weren't already on that cd, but here are some I think you'd like:

Next Year
M.I.A
Everlong (<~ My favorite! :D )
February Stars
Virginia Moon
Walking After You
Hey, Johnny Park!
Gimme Stitches
DOA

I tried to go for a few upbeat ones, and then a few serious-er ones, but with really nice lyrics. And like one or two that just sound nice.
So.
Yup.
Enjoy.
Sorry if they suck!
; ]

won't stop until it's over, won't stop to surrender.

I had a really good and productive day, today.
Came to some realizations, sat down and planned, and figured a lot of things out about my future.

It was seriously like a breathe of fresh air. I felt calm and not so freakin' stressed all the time for the first time in what feels like forever.

I'm going to try and hold on to this feeling.
Anytime I feel like I'm being drowned by all of the crap in my life,
I'll try and remember this.

I think I'll be okay.


~

Ah, and for a second -  to be a total geek:
My week, hell,  my year has been made.
My favorite show got picked up for a 7th season and I freaked out at like one in the morning when I found out, then got yelled at for being a loud retard and waking everyone up.
But, I don't even care, I love that show. Too much.
Hell yeah, Supernatural!


Sometimes it's the little things.
:D

The wonders of my world.

I just finished playing the piano for the first time in months and damn. I think I broke my hand. Jesus.
My left hand is cramping like a mother.  I should have done some hand exercises before I started but noooo I thought I'd be a badass.


Anyway.
Crippling hand pain aside.
Usually when I'm feeling crappy and stressed and actually remember I have one, I usually end up playing the piano for a while and it usually calms me down.
Especially learning a new song. It's like a crazy good feeling actually accomplishing something, even if it's small and it really cheers me up.
I just spent about two hours learning "Hometown Glory" by Adele.
Previously, I had only heard the like techo-remix of the song, and never bothered to look up the original since I liked that version so much. But I heard it the other day, and the piano in the background was beautiful so I looked up the sheet music and it wasn't too hard learn so I did.

It's really repetitive, but it sounds nice. It was really hard to get the tempo right, too, and It's still not perfect but I think I did pretty damn good.
Another thing I struggle with on certain songs, is how far apart your hands need to be spaced on some songs. To reach certain keys. And I have small hands, so my reach sucks, and that is probably what is contributing to my hand cramping,

But I don't caaaaaare.
I learned this sooooong.
It's really preeeeetty.
And

I rock.
; )

Listen to the original.

Honey, I'm really struggling.

I'm scared.
I'm scared I'm always going to be that person in the background.
Always be the person who is suppose to look out for others before myself.
Always give and give and give and get nothing in return. Take nothing for myself.
Do nothing for myself.
Not do what I want in life because I'm suppose to look out for other people first.
I was never raised to look at a bigger picture in life.
I never worried about what I was going to do with my life because no one told me I was suppose to.
Yeah, I wondered what job I would have, if I would get married, but never thought about how that would happen.
I didn't think about it until it was way passed the point that I should have been thinking about it.
I look back at how I was raised and want to scream and rage about how sheltered I was to some things.
I felt so shocked and stupid when I realized how different I was from other kids.
Kids who paid for things on there own, kids who parents had been teaching them how to drive all there life.
Kids who had parents who prepared them more about what they need to be ready for when they grow up and become an adult.
I feel like a freak for being scared to do things like ordering my own food, making my own doctors appointment, driving or leaving home.
As angry as I get about this, I don't think I was intentionally raised this way.
That's just how my family is.
Look out for each other before yourself.
That doesn't sound like such a bad thing when you here it.
But it shouldn't be like this.
I shouldn't be expected to never leave home, or feel bad about wanted to leave my family.
I shouldn't feel like I'm disobeying someone by wanting to have my own life.
I shouldn't feel like this, but I do.
With everything.
I'm suppose to shut my mouth, and do what I'm told. Always agree.
Always give until I have nothing left.
My feeling don't come first.
I'm not important.

A lot of the time I don't feel like I'm strong enough.
To take what I want.
To feel like I actually deserve something.
To feel okay about being proud of myself for something.
I don't feel strong enough change what needs to be changed in my life.

Though, through all of this I hope and try and and believe I'm doing okay.
That I'm getting to where I need to be.
I'm just taking baby steps.
I know it seems like a small thing or a shitty example but,
I think back to high school, and think about how I grew a lot and starting better decisions towards the end.
I cut someone out of my life who contributed a lot to how I felt about what I've said in my blog.
I thought I was always suppose to do what he wanted, even though he treated my like shit.
Whatever he asked for, I gave.
I tried to make it seem like the good outweighed the back or just simply refused to see the bad side.
Believed him when he said I was important to him, and not just someone to use for attention.
It scares and disgusts me when I look back and remember ignoring or disregarding friends who told me again and again what a scumbag, while I was busy regarding him as a damn Messiah.
But I finally listened.
And cut someone out of my life who did way more harm then there could ever be good.
And it hurt. A lot.
But I try that and think of the good things that came out of making that decisions.
And how much better my life was because of that.
Nowhere near perfect but better.
That I can do this.
Depend and believe in myself that I can achieve what I want in life.

Baby steps.


This blog was just a much needed unleash of words from my brain. I'm sorry if it's confusing.

Obligatory Song-At-The-End-Of-My-Blog

A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake.

For once, I would like to have a normal functioning body.


I feel like I have so many things wrong with me health-wise that I'm surprised I'm still alive.
Some of the things wrong with me, I can change. Some I can't.
I don't know. I wanna blame it on like, bad genes, but I know that's not all there is to it.


I've been having so much trouble getting to sleep lately. Not just getting to sleep at a decent time. Just no sleep period.
I feel crazy saying it but, like I'm kind of scared to go to sleep sometimes. I've been having really really vivid dreams for a while now. Not all have been nightmares but a good majority have been. And there not just things I can shake off easily. When I wake up from them I'm always so panicked right away and almost like in shock and I don't want to move or get up. And, they are always so damn vivid. I usually have to lay there and convince myself it's not real. It's-gah. I don't even know. It's really frightening how often it's been happening to me lately.

And I don't know if my lack of sleep is causing these dreams or I'm not sleeping because I don't want to have these dreams. I'm usually always so tired when I wake up, too. No matter how long I've slept. I'm exhausted.

I want to talk to my neurologist about it at my next appointment. Maybe my stupid head crap is making my head more fucked up. Too much pressure in there again or something. I don't know. I just want it to stop.

It's hard to tell people about this kind of thing too. I really feel absolutely crazy when I try to explain it. I'm either told I'm overreacting, I'm sleeping too much, I'm watching too much scary shit, or I'm faking it.


Whatever.
You can't fake these damn bruises around my eyes.

Here.
Have one of my favorite songs, by one of my favorite bands, that eerily freakin describes how I'm feeling lately.

But in the meantime.

I feel like after high school a lot of random things got ass backwards. Like, things I didn't expect.
Strange, I know, but I feel like the early months of the year like, Jan-May usually were okay, it was just the fall and winter that sucked. (That may have something to do with the fact that school started in the fall and ended in the spring...now that I'm thinking about it...)

But now, I don't know. 2011 hasn't been pretty sucky (with a few exceptions).
Summer just needs to happen now. I feel like that's the only thing I'm looking forward to. Light at the end of the tunnel and all. (Ah, ah. And Jessica's birthday! Which will be epic. Have no fear, Jess. Paaaaaaarty time. :D)

I hope that things DO get better this summer, and I'm not just looking forward to more of the same never changing bullshit. I feel like school this semester is a joke. A complete bust, and it's killing me. I don't like being a failure. That shit was suppose to stop in high school. But man, Murphy's Law has never applied to my life more than this semester.

I'm ready for a new chapter in my life.
Some serious page turning, man.
Out with the bad, in with the good.
And hold on to the things/people that matter.


I've been taking refuge with music and reading lately.
Seriously. My Recently Added list in iTunes has 320 songs in it from just this month.
And, I've been reading anything I can get my hands on lately. Re-reading like every book I own.
I wish there was a huge library around here I could just live in. Forever.
Times like these seriously make me consider being a damn librarian.
I've always been obsessed with books, and big libraries.
Like in Matilda, and the Pagemaster.
Siiigggghhhhhh.


Here, here.
Have a song that has been cheering me up and making look forward to better times lately.
I loved this song when I was younger, and then I forgot about it, then I found it again and I still love it.

You may tire of me, because I'm not who I use to be.

I'm scared.

I have no idea where my life is going, and I have no idea what to expect or even try to predict for my future.

I know it's normal for college students to feel that way, but. I don't know. I feel so lost all the time lately.
I'm afraid I'm going to fail my classes, and it's no one's fault but my own.

It's so hard taking online classes. I feel zero motivation most of time, and I hate myself for it. I don't want to fail. I don't want to be stuck behind. I want to move forward.

The classes are harder than I expected them to be as well.
I know I'm not stupid, but sometimes I wonder if I'm really smart enough for this.

I'm scared to tell my Mom that I might fail one my classes. As soon as I get the words out, she'll just shut down and refuse to hear anything else out of my mouth. It'll just be. You're too lazy, Amanda. There's no excuse, Amanda. You're wasting money, Amanda.


I don't know if my major is right for me anymore, either. But. I have nothing else I want to do.
I don't know what to do.

I hate feeling like this.

I have so much frustration and worries. I can't get them all out and I don't know what to do.

I want to stop feeling so lost.

I should have been born in a time where cheesy fantasies were commonplace. Seriously.

This song is quickly becoming one of my most played on iTunes.
Hell, one of my favorite songs ever.
For me, it's one of those songs that make you so very sad but so damn optimistic at the same time. Freakin' juxtaposition of a song man.
But, guh. I just want to play it forever and drive my totally not-in-commission car with my non-existent license, down some huge never ending highway. Foreverrrrr! God. How cheesy am I? I don't care.
I love this song.

s w e e t   d i s p o s i t i o n
the temper trap

Sweet disposition
Never too soon
Oh, reckless abandon
Like no one's watching you

A moment, a love
A dream aloud
A kiss, a cry
Our rights, our wrongs
A moment, a love
A dream aloud
A moment, a love
A dream aloud

So stay there
Because I'll be coming over
And while our blood's still young
It's so young
It runs
And we won't stop until it's over
Won't stop to surrender

Songs of desperation
I played them for you
A moment, a love
A dream aloud
A kiss, a cry
Our rights, our wrongs
A moment, a love
A dream, aloud
A moment, a love
A dream aloud

Oh God, why am I so weird.

I don't understand how my room can look like a bomb went off in it, and I really don't care too much.



But when something, some folder, some file - anything on my computer gets misplaced, unorganized, etc. It nags at me. So bad. I get really twitchy until everything is in it's proper place.
So, hence my bitch fit when I noticed my favorites list looked like the Internet exploded all over it. So, now I'm most likely going to spend an hour organizing it all, or I won't be able to sleep.
Sigh.
Why is my brain like this?
I don't get this.


It's like, selective OCD.
Only with my computer.
If such a thing exists.


In other news, my mother told me she wanted me to put some Supernatural episodes on her laptop for her to watch when she was bored.
She said this all casually.
Trying to play it cool.
But she knew I would freak out and make such a huge deal out of it.
And I did.
Rightly so.
"MOM YESSS I KNEW IT. YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE IT. WHICH EPISODES SHOULD I GIVE YOU OH I SHOULD PROBABLY LET YOU START AT THE BEGINING. I KNOW IT MAY BE CREEPY AT FIRST BUT IT IS AWESOME I SWEAR. I'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO YOU THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. ISN'T JENSEN HOT. I KNEW I WASN'T ADOPTED--"

This went on for quite some time. I could help it. I love that show. Unhealthy amounts. Unholy glee, I tell you. I'm slowly bringing every member of my family into obsession over it with me. Brothers. Check. Stepdad. Check. Mother. Check.
Boogie seems reluctant, but he lets me watch the episodes on his nice big, flat screen tv, and sometimes laughs at the jokes.... so it's only a matter of time.
I'm sorry.
I feel like a 14 year-old again.
I should be sleeping.
I'll go now.

Working hard or hardly working?

Fair warning. I'll most likely change the layout on here more times than deemed necessary. I've always been picky and very ADD about blogs, and it looks like this time will be no different.

But, here I am. Jessica.

I was very active today. I'm proud of myself. I barely spent any time lying in bed procrastinating.
I had to go to Sante Fe this morning for a horrible bio. test today that I barely studied for, therefore I barely passed. I hate the open lab there. It's always like 10 degrees below freezing and no matter what seat I chose there's always something sticky on the table. Ugh. I get paranoid in there too, like everyone around me knows how bad I'm about to fail my exam.

So yeah, there was that this morning, then we had breakfast and went home where I thought I was free to sleep the rest of the day away ...........until I remembered I had math later that night. >: |

I considered skipping class.
But I didn't.
I had reasons, though.
Good ones.
I swear.

I've been worried about my uh, head problems again lately. I haven't been having much pain or headaches at all lately since I've been taking my pills, but ever since yesterday I've started having brief periods of intense pain in the back of my head. Like somebody shoved a screwdriver in the back of my skull and I'm still alive somehow. It knocks the breathout of me everytime, and I feel like I'm going to vomit. I had pain like this in the begining, but it was worse, I think. And my vision hasn't been giving me trouble like it use to either, so I hoping it's not getting bad again. I'm trying to chalk it up to stress, very few hours of sleep and the meals I've skipped this week. So. Hopefully this pain nonsense will go away once I get back on my normal schedule.
 :[