A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake.

For once, I would like to have a normal functioning body.


I feel like I have so many things wrong with me health-wise that I'm surprised I'm still alive.
Some of the things wrong with me, I can change. Some I can't.
I don't know. I wanna blame it on like, bad genes, but I know that's not all there is to it.


I've been having so much trouble getting to sleep lately. Not just getting to sleep at a decent time. Just no sleep period.
I feel crazy saying it but, like I'm kind of scared to go to sleep sometimes. I've been having really really vivid dreams for a while now. Not all have been nightmares but a good majority have been. And there not just things I can shake off easily. When I wake up from them I'm always so panicked right away and almost like in shock and I don't want to move or get up. And, they are always so damn vivid. I usually have to lay there and convince myself it's not real. It's-gah. I don't even know. It's really frightening how often it's been happening to me lately.

And I don't know if my lack of sleep is causing these dreams or I'm not sleeping because I don't want to have these dreams. I'm usually always so tired when I wake up, too. No matter how long I've slept. I'm exhausted.

I want to talk to my neurologist about it at my next appointment. Maybe my stupid head crap is making my head more fucked up. Too much pressure in there again or something. I don't know. I just want it to stop.

It's hard to tell people about this kind of thing too. I really feel absolutely crazy when I try to explain it. I'm either told I'm overreacting, I'm sleeping too much, I'm watching too much scary shit, or I'm faking it.


Whatever.
You can't fake these damn bruises around my eyes.

Here.
Have one of my favorite songs, by one of my favorite bands, that eerily freakin describes how I'm feeling lately.

But in the meantime.

I feel like after high school a lot of random things got ass backwards. Like, things I didn't expect.
Strange, I know, but I feel like the early months of the year like, Jan-May usually were okay, it was just the fall and winter that sucked. (That may have something to do with the fact that school started in the fall and ended in the spring...now that I'm thinking about it...)

But now, I don't know. 2011 hasn't been pretty sucky (with a few exceptions).
Summer just needs to happen now. I feel like that's the only thing I'm looking forward to. Light at the end of the tunnel and all. (Ah, ah. And Jessica's birthday! Which will be epic. Have no fear, Jess. Paaaaaaarty time. :D)

I hope that things DO get better this summer, and I'm not just looking forward to more of the same never changing bullshit. I feel like school this semester is a joke. A complete bust, and it's killing me. I don't like being a failure. That shit was suppose to stop in high school. But man, Murphy's Law has never applied to my life more than this semester.

I'm ready for a new chapter in my life.
Some serious page turning, man.
Out with the bad, in with the good.
And hold on to the things/people that matter.


I've been taking refuge with music and reading lately.
Seriously. My Recently Added list in iTunes has 320 songs in it from just this month.
And, I've been reading anything I can get my hands on lately. Re-reading like every book I own.
I wish there was a huge library around here I could just live in. Forever.
Times like these seriously make me consider being a damn librarian.
I've always been obsessed with books, and big libraries.
Like in Matilda, and the Pagemaster.
Siiigggghhhhhh.


Here, here.
Have a song that has been cheering me up and making look forward to better times lately.
I loved this song when I was younger, and then I forgot about it, then I found it again and I still love it.

You may tire of me, because I'm not who I use to be.

I'm scared.

I have no idea where my life is going, and I have no idea what to expect or even try to predict for my future.

I know it's normal for college students to feel that way, but. I don't know. I feel so lost all the time lately.
I'm afraid I'm going to fail my classes, and it's no one's fault but my own.

It's so hard taking online classes. I feel zero motivation most of time, and I hate myself for it. I don't want to fail. I don't want to be stuck behind. I want to move forward.

The classes are harder than I expected them to be as well.
I know I'm not stupid, but sometimes I wonder if I'm really smart enough for this.

I'm scared to tell my Mom that I might fail one my classes. As soon as I get the words out, she'll just shut down and refuse to hear anything else out of my mouth. It'll just be. You're too lazy, Amanda. There's no excuse, Amanda. You're wasting money, Amanda.


I don't know if my major is right for me anymore, either. But. I have nothing else I want to do.
I don't know what to do.

I hate feeling like this.

I have so much frustration and worries. I can't get them all out and I don't know what to do.

I want to stop feeling so lost.