A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake.

For once, I would like to have a normal functioning body.


I feel like I have so many things wrong with me health-wise that I'm surprised I'm still alive.
Some of the things wrong with me, I can change. Some I can't.
I don't know. I wanna blame it on like, bad genes, but I know that's not all there is to it.


I've been having so much trouble getting to sleep lately. Not just getting to sleep at a decent time. Just no sleep period.
I feel crazy saying it but, like I'm kind of scared to go to sleep sometimes. I've been having really really vivid dreams for a while now. Not all have been nightmares but a good majority have been. And there not just things I can shake off easily. When I wake up from them I'm always so panicked right away and almost like in shock and I don't want to move or get up. And, they are always so damn vivid. I usually have to lay there and convince myself it's not real. It's-gah. I don't even know. It's really frightening how often it's been happening to me lately.

And I don't know if my lack of sleep is causing these dreams or I'm not sleeping because I don't want to have these dreams. I'm usually always so tired when I wake up, too. No matter how long I've slept. I'm exhausted.

I want to talk to my neurologist about it at my next appointment. Maybe my stupid head crap is making my head more fucked up. Too much pressure in there again or something. I don't know. I just want it to stop.

It's hard to tell people about this kind of thing too. I really feel absolutely crazy when I try to explain it. I'm either told I'm overreacting, I'm sleeping too much, I'm watching too much scary shit, or I'm faking it.


Whatever.
You can't fake these damn bruises around my eyes.

Here.
Have one of my favorite songs, by one of my favorite bands, that eerily freakin describes how I'm feeling lately.