Not feeling very independent on this day.

I wish time would slow down.
The future scares me. My future scares me.
I don't like not knowing where my life is going.
I hate worrying and being scared of going forward.
I hate feeling like there's no one to talk to, and that nobody will understand.

Sometimes it's nice to just live one day at a time.
But now is not one of those moments.
I just want to be sure of everything and everyone in my life.
I feel like some things are just slipping away, and I won't be able to get them back.
And it feels like all my fault.

I feel pathetic and helpless
and it sucks.

I've waited here for you, everlong.

Jessicaaaaaaaaa.


Okay, so.
Foo Fighters.
I realized that your friend Andrew did have quite a few of my favorites on that cd, but I do have  a few more that I think you might like as well. (Maybe, better? muwhaha. Ahem.)


There's only nine of them that weren't already on that cd, but here are some I think you'd like:

Next Year
M.I.A
Everlong (<~ My favorite! :D )
February Stars
Virginia Moon
Walking After You
Hey, Johnny Park!
Gimme Stitches
DOA

I tried to go for a few upbeat ones, and then a few serious-er ones, but with really nice lyrics. And like one or two that just sound nice.
So.
Yup.
Enjoy.
Sorry if they suck!
; ]

won't stop until it's over, won't stop to surrender.

I had a really good and productive day, today.
Came to some realizations, sat down and planned, and figured a lot of things out about my future.

It was seriously like a breathe of fresh air. I felt calm and not so freakin' stressed all the time for the first time in what feels like forever.

I'm going to try and hold on to this feeling.
Anytime I feel like I'm being drowned by all of the crap in my life,
I'll try and remember this.

I think I'll be okay.


~

Ah, and for a second -  to be a total geek:
My week, hell,  my year has been made.
My favorite show got picked up for a 7th season and I freaked out at like one in the morning when I found out, then got yelled at for being a loud retard and waking everyone up.
But, I don't even care, I love that show. Too much.
Hell yeah, Supernatural!


Sometimes it's the little things.
:D

The wonders of my world.

I just finished playing the piano for the first time in months and damn. I think I broke my hand. Jesus.
My left hand is cramping like a mother.  I should have done some hand exercises before I started but noooo I thought I'd be a badass.


Anyway.
Crippling hand pain aside.
Usually when I'm feeling crappy and stressed and actually remember I have one, I usually end up playing the piano for a while and it usually calms me down.
Especially learning a new song. It's like a crazy good feeling actually accomplishing something, even if it's small and it really cheers me up.
I just spent about two hours learning "Hometown Glory" by Adele.
Previously, I had only heard the like techo-remix of the song, and never bothered to look up the original since I liked that version so much. But I heard it the other day, and the piano in the background was beautiful so I looked up the sheet music and it wasn't too hard learn so I did.

It's really repetitive, but it sounds nice. It was really hard to get the tempo right, too, and It's still not perfect but I think I did pretty damn good.
Another thing I struggle with on certain songs, is how far apart your hands need to be spaced on some songs. To reach certain keys. And I have small hands, so my reach sucks, and that is probably what is contributing to my hand cramping,

But I don't caaaaaare.
I learned this sooooong.
It's really preeeeetty.
And

I rock.
; )

Listen to the original.

Honey, I'm really struggling.

I'm scared.
I'm scared I'm always going to be that person in the background.
Always be the person who is suppose to look out for others before myself.
Always give and give and give and get nothing in return. Take nothing for myself.
Do nothing for myself.
Not do what I want in life because I'm suppose to look out for other people first.
I was never raised to look at a bigger picture in life.
I never worried about what I was going to do with my life because no one told me I was suppose to.
Yeah, I wondered what job I would have, if I would get married, but never thought about how that would happen.
I didn't think about it until it was way passed the point that I should have been thinking about it.
I look back at how I was raised and want to scream and rage about how sheltered I was to some things.
I felt so shocked and stupid when I realized how different I was from other kids.
Kids who paid for things on there own, kids who parents had been teaching them how to drive all there life.
Kids who had parents who prepared them more about what they need to be ready for when they grow up and become an adult.
I feel like a freak for being scared to do things like ordering my own food, making my own doctors appointment, driving or leaving home.
As angry as I get about this, I don't think I was intentionally raised this way.
That's just how my family is.
Look out for each other before yourself.
That doesn't sound like such a bad thing when you here it.
But it shouldn't be like this.
I shouldn't be expected to never leave home, or feel bad about wanted to leave my family.
I shouldn't feel like I'm disobeying someone by wanting to have my own life.
I shouldn't feel like this, but I do.
With everything.
I'm suppose to shut my mouth, and do what I'm told. Always agree.
Always give until I have nothing left.
My feeling don't come first.
I'm not important.

A lot of the time I don't feel like I'm strong enough.
To take what I want.
To feel like I actually deserve something.
To feel okay about being proud of myself for something.
I don't feel strong enough change what needs to be changed in my life.

Though, through all of this I hope and try and and believe I'm doing okay.
That I'm getting to where I need to be.
I'm just taking baby steps.
I know it seems like a small thing or a shitty example but,
I think back to high school, and think about how I grew a lot and starting better decisions towards the end.
I cut someone out of my life who contributed a lot to how I felt about what I've said in my blog.
I thought I was always suppose to do what he wanted, even though he treated my like shit.
Whatever he asked for, I gave.
I tried to make it seem like the good outweighed the back or just simply refused to see the bad side.
Believed him when he said I was important to him, and not just someone to use for attention.
It scares and disgusts me when I look back and remember ignoring or disregarding friends who told me again and again what a scumbag, while I was busy regarding him as a damn Messiah.
But I finally listened.
And cut someone out of my life who did way more harm then there could ever be good.
And it hurt. A lot.
But I try that and think of the good things that came out of making that decisions.
And how much better my life was because of that.
Nowhere near perfect but better.
That I can do this.
Depend and believe in myself that I can achieve what I want in life.

Baby steps.


This blog was just a much needed unleash of words from my brain. I'm sorry if it's confusing.

Obligatory Song-At-The-End-Of-My-Blog

A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake.

For once, I would like to have a normal functioning body.


I feel like I have so many things wrong with me health-wise that I'm surprised I'm still alive.
Some of the things wrong with me, I can change. Some I can't.
I don't know. I wanna blame it on like, bad genes, but I know that's not all there is to it.


I've been having so much trouble getting to sleep lately. Not just getting to sleep at a decent time. Just no sleep period.
I feel crazy saying it but, like I'm kind of scared to go to sleep sometimes. I've been having really really vivid dreams for a while now. Not all have been nightmares but a good majority have been. And there not just things I can shake off easily. When I wake up from them I'm always so panicked right away and almost like in shock and I don't want to move or get up. And, they are always so damn vivid. I usually have to lay there and convince myself it's not real. It's-gah. I don't even know. It's really frightening how often it's been happening to me lately.

And I don't know if my lack of sleep is causing these dreams or I'm not sleeping because I don't want to have these dreams. I'm usually always so tired when I wake up, too. No matter how long I've slept. I'm exhausted.

I want to talk to my neurologist about it at my next appointment. Maybe my stupid head crap is making my head more fucked up. Too much pressure in there again or something. I don't know. I just want it to stop.

It's hard to tell people about this kind of thing too. I really feel absolutely crazy when I try to explain it. I'm either told I'm overreacting, I'm sleeping too much, I'm watching too much scary shit, or I'm faking it.


Whatever.
You can't fake these damn bruises around my eyes.

Here.
Have one of my favorite songs, by one of my favorite bands, that eerily freakin describes how I'm feeling lately.

But in the meantime.

I feel like after high school a lot of random things got ass backwards. Like, things I didn't expect.
Strange, I know, but I feel like the early months of the year like, Jan-May usually were okay, it was just the fall and winter that sucked. (That may have something to do with the fact that school started in the fall and ended in the spring...now that I'm thinking about it...)

But now, I don't know. 2011 hasn't been pretty sucky (with a few exceptions).
Summer just needs to happen now. I feel like that's the only thing I'm looking forward to. Light at the end of the tunnel and all. (Ah, ah. And Jessica's birthday! Which will be epic. Have no fear, Jess. Paaaaaaarty time. :D)

I hope that things DO get better this summer, and I'm not just looking forward to more of the same never changing bullshit. I feel like school this semester is a joke. A complete bust, and it's killing me. I don't like being a failure. That shit was suppose to stop in high school. But man, Murphy's Law has never applied to my life more than this semester.

I'm ready for a new chapter in my life.
Some serious page turning, man.
Out with the bad, in with the good.
And hold on to the things/people that matter.


I've been taking refuge with music and reading lately.
Seriously. My Recently Added list in iTunes has 320 songs in it from just this month.
And, I've been reading anything I can get my hands on lately. Re-reading like every book I own.
I wish there was a huge library around here I could just live in. Forever.
Times like these seriously make me consider being a damn librarian.
I've always been obsessed with books, and big libraries.
Like in Matilda, and the Pagemaster.
Siiigggghhhhhh.


Here, here.
Have a song that has been cheering me up and making look forward to better times lately.
I loved this song when I was younger, and then I forgot about it, then I found it again and I still love it.